Rachel Ran Amok.

According to my rudimentary math skills (aka my desktop calculator), I have been in a committed relationship with another person for 4.167% of my life on earth. Therefore, I have been s.i.n.g.l.e. for the other 95.83333333333%. Translation? I have been on some horrible first dates. You may be thinking: "Rachel is just an ordinary gal, her first dates couldn't have been any worse than the first dates I have been on". I may like you very much in person....but you are wrong. Has a date ever thrown a golf club at your neck after missing a pivotal hole at the local mini-golf course? Yeah, that happened to me. How about delivering a glowing 45 minute tribute to George W Bush's speech writing capacities over steak at Applebees? Check that one off for Rachel. For your benefit, I am going to stop here.

On the other hand, I have also been fortunate enough to go on some fantastic dates. In fact, while I was sipping my Folgers this morning, I juxtaposed these fantastic dates with the not-so-fantastic ones and subsequently came up with a fabulous First Date Formula. This is for chicks, obviously. Perhaps I should be more specific. This is for chicks who are like me. Hope that helps.

1. If something goes completely haywire, simply laugh. Of course, there are varying degrees of haywire. If your date gets hit by a bus, don't laugh. That would be horrible. BUT if the two of you just cannot find the 5 star restaurant your classy date made reservations at, then improvise. Laugh about it and pop into a diner or whatever is close.

2. Don't order things that can get stuck in your teeth. This is a personal rule for myself. Feel free to ignore this if you have never had a problem. I know this may sound very shallow, but I think it is really awkward when people get things stuck in their teeth. Spinach, fresh herbs in pasta sauces....oh boy. Perhaps I just have a phobia of that happening to me. Teeth problems freak me out, in general. This one time when I was a counselor at Summer Camp, this kid spit out a mouthful of Top Ramen and there was a bloody tooth in the mix. And dentists are terrifying, even the ones who look like they could be my grandfather. Moving on....

3. Let your nerves show. Trying to deny their existence has such vast potential for awkward exchanges. While embracing the Woody Allen inside will simply allow your date to see another facet of you. At the end of the day, isn't getting to know one another the point of it all? If the date goes well, I would much rather go home knowing that the guy doesn't mind (or perhaps even likes) my tendency to make random comments about the environment I am in or my ultimate desire to not get anything stuck in my teeth.

4. Ignore every rule you have heard. He doesn't always have to pay. You don't always have to pay. He can open the door for you. But you know what? You can open the door, too. Let him hit you in the neck with a golf club.

Final words? Just go with it. :)

-Rachel